


How Do I Make You Stay (Missing The Way You Taste)

by sleepysundays



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Breaking Up & Making Up, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Farkle- Centric, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Jealous Farkle, M/M, Minor Lucas Friar/Riley Matthews, Minor Maya Hart/Josh Matthews, Pining Farkle, Possibly Unrequited Love, mature - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 16:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8540188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysundays/pseuds/sleepysundays
Summary: They're seniors now, she’s set to head off to Pennsylvania and he’s staying in New York. It’s literally the worst time to start a relationship, the worst time to kiss your best friend of eleven years, but she smells like vanilla and tastes like the expensive red wine in his father’s liquor cabinet, and he’s smitten. Golden paint is striped along her cheek, one of the straps of her overalls undone and she looks so beautiful, he's so incredibly in love, so he lets himself think that they’re a possibility, lets himself at least hope.or Farkle discovers that love leaves a bitter taste.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song "Never Be Like You" by Crywolf. This is intended for a more mature audience so if any mention of bisexuality, homosexuality, sex, etc. makes you uncomfortable, please refrain from reading and commenting rude things. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy!

_"she's your first love."_

 

1. 

                He doesn’t remember when he fell in love with her, there’s no way he could ever pinpoint the exact moment she entered his head and never left. And it doesn’t help that she’s his best friend, that she tells him everything, because it _hurts_ knowing that she’s in love with someone else, that someone has held her when she’s upset, that someone else knows how to make her laugh, to make her blush, in the exact same ways that he has over the years.

                He likes to think that he’s over her sometimes, that he doesn’t think her smile is a resemblance to the sun, that her laugh doesn’t make him feel on top of the world when he’s the one who cracked the joke, but he knows in the end that denial would only make the pain worse. It also doesn’t help that she’s the nicest person in the world, that she would do anything to keep her friends from hurting, even if it means putting herself out there. He always said he would love both her and Maya the same, but he didn’t think that could ever be possible, because he knows how he feels for Maya and he knows how he feels for Riley and they aren’t parallel, not even in the slightest.

                 And he knows that Maya has figured it out by now, can tell by the way she looks at the two of them with a hint of confusion across her face, as if she’s trying to gauge the situation, but Farkle knows it’s too complicated to explain. So he doesn’t. And she’s doesn’t ask.

                But they’re in the ninth grade and everything is new and feelings are kept secret, because it would ruin _everything_ if they were announced. So he stays with Smackle, because she’s smart and she’s beautiful and she challenges him in ways no one else has over the years.

                And she’s with Lucas who calls her princess and buys her lunch and takes her to the Knicks games when no one else will. She’s happy, and that’s all Farkle wants, _really._ But he can’t help but secretly loathe Lucas, despite being his best friend, because who wouldn’t pick Riley over anyone else? Maya’s great, Maya’s beautiful, but there is no contest in Farkle’s opinion. It also doesn’t help that she has been his main girl for so many years now that she presides over anyone else, even Smackle. It’s all so confusing, his feelings, Riley’s, Smackle’s, that he often can’t put it all together, despite being a genius. Because he can spout out theories and scientific equations all day, but he can’t quite seem to keep from falling in love with the one girl who would never be able to have.

                But life continues and Riley is with Lucas and she’s happy and Farkle is with Smackle and he’s content. Everyone is fine, everything is okay and Farkle is grateful that all is good again in the core four, glad that nothing is a mess like it was only half a year ago. Maya is in it for the long game and Zay had long ago offered to help Maya out of third wheel hell. Everyone is happy, except for Farkle, truthfully, because he feels as if his heart is on fire every time he sees her with the one boy who came along and stole the one person who made him feel on top of the world.

             

2.

 

                They break up on a gloomy day in January, Riley and Lucas. Her cheeks are tear stained, her eyes painted a dark red. And even when she’s sad, she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. They’re in their junior year of high school and the weight of the world feels like it’s on his shoulders because he’s in a fight with himself to comfort the miserable girl or punch Lucas square in the jaw. She hasn’t mentioned why they broke up, but by the way Topanga is letting her lay her head on her lap and Maya firmly holding her hand, fire in her eyes, Farkle assumes it wasn’t mutual nor was it brought up by Riley.

                He came as soon as he received the text from Maya, the one that had made his heart stop in his chest, the one that made him leave Smackle in the middle of the café they were studying in. He feels incredibly uncomfortable in the situation, not knowing what to do to comfort her, to make her feel better. He never wants her to feel what he’s felt over the years, but he assumes it would eventually be inevitable, Lucas and Riley were going to eventually break up, no one stays together throughout high school. No matter how in love they were.

                Riley’s eyes meet his in the doorway and she breaks away from her mother’s grasp softly, holding her arms out for him. And no, his heart does not melt, or at least he tries to tell himself so, but Farkle comes to her immediately, enveloping her in his strong arms. She crumbles in his grasp, sobs overtaking her body, and he holds on to her as tight as he possibly can, because he wants her to know that he’s there, that he’ll be her rock through this.

                “Honey let me tell you something, just because he’s your beginning, doesn’t mean he’s your end” Topanga says softly, running her hand through Riley’s dark hair before she gives her daughter privacy. Maya’s stopped holding her hand, but the concern is evident on her face as she rubs Riley’s back in comfort.

                “Please go home Maya. Your dinner with uncle Shawn and Katy is tonight” Riley says after the tears stop, referring to Maya's parent’s third year anniversary.

                “Nothing is more important than you honey” Maya refuses.

                “Maya, go” Riley demands, “Farkle’s here, he’ll take care of me. Right?”

                Farkle nods, but Maya shakes her head, “I want to be here for you, there is no place I’d rather be.”

                “Maya, you can go, I have her” he says, and although he sees the reluctance in Maya’s eyes, she agrees to leave, albeit reluctantly.

                “I’ll be here first thing in the morning and don’t hesitate to call if you need anything. I swear I’ll be here in seconds, I swear Riles” Maya says, slipping through the window.

                “I know peaches” Riley replies, her voice croaky from the tears she shed only minutes ago. Maya shares a look with him and he immediately knows what she’s trying to convey, protect her from the hurt.

                “You can go too Farkley” Riley says once Maya is gone, “I won’t tell her you’ve left, I promise.”

                His eyes soften and he hates himself for wanting to kiss her in their close proximity, to press a kiss against her soft ones. Instead, he holds her closer and kisses the top of her head, “I’ve got you Riley. I’m not going anywhere.” She relaxes into his touch and after a while, she falls asleep in his arms, something he didn’t think he’d ever get to experience in his sixteen years of life. He carries her to her bed and pulls the thick white covers over her, tossing the throw pillows on to the floor, even though he knows Riley hates when he does it.

                Kissing her cheek, Farkle goes to leave, but feels tiny fingers latch around his wrist. His blue eyes meet her dark ones and he’s always been a sucker for girls with chocolate eyes and big hearts.

                “Can you stay with me?” she asks and he knows that Cory would kill him tomorrow but, by the vulnerable look in her eye and the quivering of her lip, he can’t find it in himself to deny her.

                Instead, he pulls the covers back and envelops her in his arms, like they sometimes do when the other is upset. She softens in his arms and he lies awake as her breathing evens out, thinking of Lucas and why he would break up with the girl of anyone’s dreams. Anger surfaces in his chest and Farkle brings the girl tighter in his arms, nestling his face in her silky hair, longing to protect her from the hurt of a breakup from the person you’re absolutely in love with. Because he knows the pain of heartbreak, the feeling of not being good enough, and it’s awful, it hurts so goddamn bad, gnawing in your chest like a parasite.

 

3.

 

                She kisses him for the first time in his bedroom. They’re surrounded by empty paint cans and step ladders, the tarp slightly uncomfortable underneath them. They had painted it a shiny, rich golden hue that is supposed to glisten as the sun sets, so they’re waiting. The wall behind their heads had dried hours ago, something they’re thankful for considering it was now used as a space to rest. Luckily his huge room came with two large windows that shown brightly whether the sun was shining or the moon was bright in the night sky.

                It’s a slightly chilly October afternoon and the trees across from the road are turning a rich auburn color that took his breath away every time he looked at it. Traffic bustles by, students and professionals walking past despite the fact that the sun set earlier each day. The sun is beginning to set slowly and music is playing in the background, both of them too exhausted to turn it off. Riley finally spots the beautiful oranges and pinks, the last lingering of sun igniting his room in golden rays, just as she had hoped.

                The soft riffs of a piano break the silence from the end of the previous song and Farkle basks in the fact that it fits perfectly with the atmosphere, not yet breaking the beauty of the moment he’s sharing with her. The room is ignited in color and it shines in her eyes as she turns towards him, bright smile plastered on her pretty face. Maya had once told him that there was time when people turned golden, when they’re so beautiful it’s hard to look. He thinks that this might be Riley’s time because she looks so gorgeous, sun reflecting the freckles on her nose and the slight hint of green in her normally dark eyes.

                “You were right” he whispers, as if talking any louder would break the moment. And maybe it would have. Their eyes lock and he feels his breath catch in his throat, his heart pounding with anticipation.

                She presses a soft kiss to his lips. It’s chaste, but it’s sweet. And once he opens his eyes, he finds her doing the same, a fond smile pressed against her lips.

                Their seniors now, she’s set to head off to Pennsylvania and he’s staying in New York. It’s literally the worst time to start a relationship, the worst time to kiss your best friend of eleven years, but she smells like vanilla and tastes like the expensive red wine in his father’s liquor cabinet, and he’s smitten. Golden paint is striped along her cheek, one of the straps of her overalls undone and she looks so beautiful, he so incredibly in love, so he lets himself think that they’re a possibility, lets himself at least hope.

                They don’t talk to Lucas much anymore, but Zay says he’s doing fine. He has a baseball scholarship to Penn State, as if there were any more coincidences in the world. (He and Maya agree to not mention it to Riley, even if they are three hours apart.) Maya stopped waiting for someday, chose now, and is moving into an apartment with Zay at the end of the summer who had been accepted as a corps de ballet in the New York City Ballet Company. Their lives are changing so quickly that he knows they don’t have time to evaluate and talk about what just happened, so he lies next to her on the tarp and says nothing, a content smile on his face.

                It kind of bums him out because he’s been waiting for her kiss, for her touch, for years and even though it happened, he only wants more. He knows he’s selfish, but he can’t help but want her forever, because he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the girl with big brown eyes and hair so silky he can run his hands right through it.

                “I love you Farkle” she whispers and he’s instantly brought to that moment outside of Topanga’s in the eighth grade where he threatened her to tell Maya and Lucas how she feels. He’s always been on her side, always pushing her do the right thing, even if it hurt everyone else in the process, because she’s Riley, she’s always been important to him and he couldn’t stand seeing her hurt. He’s never loved the girls the same and it’s funny that only Maya knows this by now.

                “And I love you” he says, squeezing the hand that had formed its way into his.

                She breaks the silence by giggling, her face flushed from the wine she drank earlier and he laughs along with her. The situation isn’t funny, but it seems to be in the moment and it’s so ironic that she’d kiss him when they both knew that nothing could happen between them right now. Farkle feels a bit like Jay Gatsby, always reaching out for the green light that he can never quite reach.

               

 4.

 

                She’s the first one he comes out to. The process is scary, but she’s so understanding and lets him cry in her arms. He’s a freshman in college and Colombia is _hard_ and he’s just now figured out why he looks at his roommate, Brent, in the same way he looks at Riley. He’s so fucking scared, about his newfound identity, about his grades, about failing.

                She came down for the weekend and stayed with him in his shared dorm, running her fingers through his silky hair as he laid his head in her lap. He has feelings for his _male_ roommate and he realizes why he always looked at Lucas for a little longer than he should. It wasn’t jealousy, it was because Lucas was beautiful and maybe he never wanted to admit to himself, but he can’t ignore it because Brent is always in the dorm, the nerd he is, and he can’t get away unless he wants to go home. (Which he doesn’t because his father is still a mess after the divorce).

                “I’m bisexual” he says again and Riley doesn’t even seem fazed, just keeps running her hands through his chestnut hair.

                “It’s okay, Farkle. You don’t need to label yourself. I love you regardless of who you love” she says kindly.

                It’s almost as if a weight has been lifted off his chest, because she accepts him for who is he and even though he knew she would, it still feels nice to be accepted. In the moment, he forgets about everything, about his C in calculus III and the newfound feelings for his roommate and the way he’s going to tell his parents that he’s different than them. It no longer feels like the end of the world and Farkle feels increasingly grateful for his best friend, for the girl who will accept him for whoever he is.

                The feelings are still there, he’s still in love with her, but he no longer feels the need to push it into something more. He knows he needs to figure things out, figure himself out, and he doesn’t want to bring those feelings in to mix. He’s in college and he’s free to kiss anyone he wants, regardless of their gender or what they’re studying and it feels nice. It feels nice to finally be himself, whoever that is.

                He doesn’t think he’ll ever tell Brent how he feels, he has a very nice girlfriend at Cornell whose pictures are taped to his wall, but it feels nice knowing that he’s at least in the process of finding the person who wants to be, who he’s destined to be.

                Life goes back to normal once Riley heads back to Carnegie Mellon, he still feels as if his other half is missing, but he feels better than he has in months. He puts himself out there more, goes to gay clubs with some friends in the LGBT+ club and kisses a few boys, a few girls. He’s gotten his grades back up and has told his friends about his sexuality to all positivity and open arms. They don’t care who he’s attracted to, they haven’t made it weird and he’s incredibly grateful to have such a strong support group.

                He ran into Lucas a couple weeks ago and they rekindled the friendship that fell apart when he chose Riley. He’s still defensive over the brown eyed girl, but he’s warmed up to Lucas over the past couple days. They talked over coffee and Lucas asks about her, his blue eyes soft and sad and showcasing just a little bit of love left over. Farkle snorts and thinks, _join the club._ Then again, everyone is just a little bit in love with Riley, regardless of whether or not they admit it.

                Farkle feels his heart pang in his chest and he tells him that she’s good, still studying to be a photographer with the same camera her uncle Shawn gave her in the seventh grade.

                “She’s doing okay?” Lucas asks, biting his lip.

                He smiles when he thinks of Riley with the beautiful smile and bright, optimistic viewpoint of life, “Yeah, Lucas. She’s doing great.”

                “And she’s happy?”

                “Yeah Lucas, she’s happy” Farkle states and the hurt in his heart doesn’t go away when he sees Lucas smile softly, although the look of guilt and sadness doesn’t wash off his beautiful face.

                They part ways after that, but they stay in touch. They send sporadic texts and talk over Facetime once a week and Farkle feels the pieces of his life putting themselves back together, feels as if everything is falling back in place. Maya and Zay are still going strong and Riley has joined a sorority where she’s met a group of friends, according to their phone calls and her Instagram feed. He tries to ignore the pounding in his heart when a boy name Jason, according to her tags, starts popping up more and more in her pictures. She never mentions a Jason, but then again, he never asks.

                In February, Farkle meets a boy name Gregg with big brown eyes that sparkle when he laughs and who sings off key to every song they hear on the radio just to make Farkle chuckle. He seems to have a thing for people with brown eyes and hearts of gold. He hasn’t spoken much to Riley since she left after winter break in January, but he knows by her Instagram that she’s probably spending more time with Jason.

                So he spends more time to fill the void and ignores the voice in his head that reminds him that Jason is a little bit like Riley. But it fucking sucks because even when Riley isn’t there, she’s always in the back of his mind, always has his heart on this string that she holds. And he knows that she’s not trying to hurt him, but every day she forgets to reply to his texts or ignores her ringing phone, he hurts more, even if Gregg is there to kiss or embrace whenever he wants.

                They’re not official, him and Gregg, but Farkle isn’t sleeping with anyone else and he knows that Gregg isn’t either. He doesn’t want to make it official and he knows that the brunette does, but he’s holding out, waiting for the feeling from Gregg that Riley gives him.

                Riley comes and visits him, much to his surprise. She knocks on his door at seven on a Friday night, a bottle of vodka and a couple cartons of their favorite Chinese in the city. He’s shirtless and out of breath with a grinning Gregg in his bed. He throws open the door and she’s standing there with the biggest smile on her face and Farkle just melts into the floor, so happy to finally see his girl in his doorway. She envelops him in a hug and he finally feels as if he’s home, even though his own apartment is only a few blocks away.

                “Hi baby” he whispers in her ear, even though this is first time he’s ever called her that in his life. But he’s missed her so much that he could hardly breathe and seeing her has warmed his heart completely, makes him feel as if he’s on top of the world.

                “Oh, are you busy?” she asks and she looks vaguely upset, although Farkle has no idea way. He remembers Gregg and suddenly remembers what they were doing previously, his cheeks flushing. Luckily, Gregg has managed to pull on his pants and shirt in the time he had Riley in his embrace.

                “Oh I-.”

                “I was just leaving” Gregg interrupts, grabbing his bag off the floor and shooting Farkle a unamused look.

                “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Riley apologizes, “but I have more than enough for the three of us. Stay? Please. Any friend of Farkle’s is a friend of mine.”

                He makes eye contact with Gregg and although he wants to tell him to go, he knows Riley would scold him, that she wants him to stay for intruding. Farkle just nods slightly and Gregg’s face lights up, much to his guilt.

                “Well sure then” Gregg says and Riley’s face lights up as she takes out the food. Farkle’s face softens, his eyes showcasing his love for her and although he’s not aware, his brunette companion is looking at him and then at the girl who is setting everything up with care.

                “She’s your first love” Gregg states softly.

                Farkle thinks of Smackle, then of the girl who proclaimed he saved her life twice, and thinks, _yes and she’s the one._ He’d never admit it out loud though, wouldn’t dare. He, instead, shrugs past Gregg and helps Riley set up, ignoring the look of hurt on Gregg’s face.

      

 

_"you fall in love more than once."_

 

5.

 

                It’s the summer before their sophomore year of college and Riley’s back in the city, much to everyone’s delight. He and Gregg broke up the day Farkle moved out of the dorms and back to his father’s apartment. Long distance wasn’t Farkle’s thing apparently, as if New York to Boston was too much of a distance. Gregg had cried and Farkle felt a hole in his chest, knowing it had to end sometime. Gregg had practically begged him to not do this, to not break up with him, he had been his first time, his first love, but all Farkle could think about was seeing Riley. How many hours would it take for her to make it back into the city?

                He knows he needs to move on, they only shared that one kiss, but he couldn’t shake her from his mind, regardless of whether or not she liked him back. But this would be his summer, he decided. This would the summer where he got to kiss Riley again, where he finally admitted that he’s been in love with her since the first grade. But here they are, pulsing against each other in the hot nightclub that Maya had recommended. She’s tipsy and he is too, just a little bit, just enough to make them shameless while they grind up against one another. Riley’s red dress is riding up her long legs and normally he would have pulled it down, but he’s enjoying the view. He’s no saint after all.

                Neon lights pulse through the room and illuminate her face in the most breathtaking way as she turns around and faces him. Their eyes connect, tension thick in the already humid club and she wraps her arms around his neck, his arms tightly winding their way around her petite waist. She leans towards him, but hesitates and he’s dying for a taste of her, waiting for her to make the first move. He closes his eyes and waits for the press of soft lips against his own.

                “Kiss me” he whispers and she does, all caution to the wind as she presses her lips softly to his. It intensifies quickly, this is no innocent kiss and he feels warmth from the tip of his toes to his now flushed cheeks. She presses her body flush to his and runs her tongue along his bottom lip and he’s surprised at her confidence, but accepts it anyways, because she’s Riley and she’s gorgeous and he’s in love with her. Before he knows it, they’re making out on the dancefloor and she has a hand pressed against the flat of his stomach, his hand finding its way down her dress.

                “Let’s get out of here” she whispers and he feels himself shiver, but nods his head anyway. They make their way through the horde of sweaty, dancing bodies and into the humid summer air, providing no relief from the atmosphere of heat in the club. She pushes him against the brick club building, making sure they’re away from people, before her lips press against his harshly once again. He responds quickly and yet again, they’re kissing in partial public, her hands in his hair and his making their way against her tanned stomach.

                He’s pressing soft kisses along her neck, her letting out soft sounds, when a deep voice clears its throat from in front of them. He stops kissing her and opens his eyes to a burly man with a security nametag on his black shirt. He’s pretty sure the lust hasn’t left his eyes and by the way she’s clinging on to his shirt, he knows Riley hasn’t recovered yet either. He vaguely wonders if he could take the man in front of them if he tried anything. He’s not the shrimpy kid that he was in seventh grade, he’s built and strong from five days a week in the gym, Lucas’s tips finally paying off.

                “I ain’t saying you have to stop doing what you’re doing, but you kids ain’t gonna do it at my club” the man states, although there’s a hint of a smirk on his face.

                “Oh. Sorry about that, we’re just leaving” he says, somewhat embarrassed.

                “Sure you were” the man replies, but the amusement in his tone is evident.

                Farkle nods and pulls Riley from the club, hailing a taxi as they make their way home.

                “Can I stay with you Farkley? My dad will kill me if he knows I’ve been drinking” Riley pouts, squeezing his hand softly.

                “Yeah, of course” he responds, helping her into the taxi and resting his head against the back of the seat, trying to calm himself down from the heated kiss they shared only moments prior. The summer air sweeps through their hair as the bright lights of New York City pass them in a blur. Once the driver arrives at his house, Farkle pays and helps Riley out of the cab and into his apartment.

                Once they’re in his room, Riley smiles and lays on his bed, looking up at the planetarium before them. Farkle joins her and shares a soft smile, kissing the top of her head. “I like kissing you Farkley” she says sleepily, her eyes closing.

                He smiles and looks up at the planets before them, “I like kissing you too Riles.”

                "You're my Pluto" she whispers and before he asks her what she means, his heart pounding in his chest, she's sleeping peacefully. 

                The next morning, he awakes to Riley sitting up in his bed, scrolling through her Instagram as she waits for him to get up. He grins and takes in the sight of her in one of his old t-shirts, her hair messy from being slept in. Her eyes meet his and she smiles, chocolate eyes brightening as she sees he’s finally up. “We kissed last night” she states, eyeing him as if he’s going to mask his face in disgust.

                “Do you care?” he asks, quirking up an eyebrow.

                “Nope. Do you?”

                “I want to kiss you for the rest of the summer” he states bluntly.

                Riley smirks and straddles his waist, much to his surprise and pulls him into a deep kiss, lips hard against his own. He responds quickly and rolls around to lay on top of her to her gasp of shock and arousal. His hands find their way under her shirt and her hands pull his chestnut hair roughly as she grinds against him. Farkle lets out a gasp and Riley takes the opportunity to slip her tongue in his mouth, rubbing especially rough against him. As she kisses along his neck, Farkle feels as if he’s in heaven, letting out a harsh sigh as she sucks a specially bruising kiss.

 

                The rest of the summer goes like this, hot days spent at the Hamptons, where she let him cop a feel under the dinner table at her family’s annual cookout, fooling around on his dad’s yacht with Maya and Zay. A warm reintroduction to Lucas when he invited him to one of the parties Farkle threw when Stuart was out of town. To his surprise, Riley was perfectly fine with this, chatting with Lucas about their majors and making up for the lost time. (Farkle would have felt jealous if Riley hadn’t of given him a blowjob when everyone else passed out). She let him take her virginity under the stars on her parent’s rooftop when they were visiting her grandparent’s for the weekend.

                “This is my first time” she whispers.

                “Do you want to stop?”

                “No” she says before kissing him, taking away every sense of hesitation between the two of them.

                But every good thing has to come to end, he thinks, because soon Riley’s packing up to move back to Pittsburgh for the school year. It’s the last day before she has to leave and even though Farkle feels as if his heart is about to rip out of his chest, he knows it’s for the best. It doesn’t mean he’s any less upset though.

                “I’m going to miss you” she whispers, tears threatening to fall.

                He wraps her up in a strong hug and smiles into her hair, “You’ve given me the best summer of my 19 years.”

                She chuckles and kisses his cheek, “I know I did.”

                He laughs and pulls from her grasp to look deep in her eyes, “Honestly though Riley, this has been the best summer of my life because I spent it with you. Regardless of what we’ve done, these past three months with you have been a dream.” Riley beams and pulls him into yet another tight hug, but he feels her shoulders shake and he knows she’s crying.

                “I love you Farkle” she says through her tears and although he knows it’s platonic, he can’t help but feel his heart tighten in his chest.

                “And I love you” he answers, placing a soft kiss on the side of her head.

 

 

 6. 

                It’s his sophomore year back at Colombia and everything feels lame compared to the summer he spent with Riley and his friends. Brent’s his roommate again and he sees Gregg around the campus sometimes, his arm wrapped around a boy who looks at him as if he hung the moon and cradled the stars. He’s glad that Gregg found a boy who could give him everything that he couldn’t. He and Riley are still best friends, they still call and text, but something feels off, as if this summer marked the end of whatever they had. He assumed it was just the beginning, but by the looks of the boy, David it says, on her Instagram frequently, he guesses he’s wrong. She hasn’t mentioned David to him, but then again, she never mentioned Jason.

                It was just a summer, he tries to convince himself, but it was everything to him. He just wishes she felt the same.

                “You want to grab a drink?” Brent asks. He’s about to deny the offer, but when Farkle looks at him, he looks worse for wear, his blond hair knotted, dark circles around his usually bright eyes. They don’t talk often, him and Brent, so he doesn’t really know what’s going on, but by the drink invitation and tears in his eyes, he figures he just needs someone to talk to.

                “Yeah, sure man” he says, grabbing his jacket off the chair behind him and following Brent out of their tiny dorm room. They walk a little way off campus and towards the club a few blocks down the street notorious for not checking ID’s. He wonders what Riley’s doing, but he shakes the thoughts of her out of his head, because fuck her. If she can move on quickly, so can he. They grab a seat at the bar and Brent orders a couple of shots of tequila, much to Farkle’s amusement. Brent’s nothing but straight-laced, calling his pretty blond girlfriend every night and going to bed at the same time.

                “Slow down” he chuckles, “we have time. It is a Friday after all, not that you would know” he jokes.

                “What’s that supposed to mean?” Brent asks, his cheeks flushed.

                “You go to bed everyday at the same time. You never exactly go out” Farkle replies, gesturing for another drink towards the bartender.

                “Jessica didn’t like when I went out. She’s the jealous type, or she was” he sneers.

                “Breakup?” Farkle asks, thanking the bartender who placed their drinks on the bar top.

                “Cheated on me with Chad from Alpha Gamma Sigma” Brent replies.

                Farkle snorts and clinks Brent’s glass with his own, “That’s girls for you. They’ll break your fucking heart with no regrets.”

                “Breakup?” Brent asks, quirking a light eyebrow at him.

                Farkle snickers bitterly and downs his drink, “Something like that.”

                They sit in their seats, sipping their drinks as the neon lights burst across the walls, music almost deafening as Farkle starts to get a bit tipsy. Drink after drink they order as they watch the people in the club dance and writhe against one another. Farkle’s brought back to last summer with Riley where they could barely keep their hands off each other, sweaty in the club as they grinded against one another. Riley’s hands in his hair, his lips tracing hotly against her neck, roughly pulling his hands through her dark curls. He thinks about calling her, asking her how she could move on to David so quickly, leaving him in the dark as if he were so fucking stupid that he wouldn’t figure it out.

                _News flash Riles_ , he thinks, I _look at your fucking Instagram every fucking day._ He knows he does it because he misses her, but he pushes the thoughts of her out of his head. It shouldn’t be so hard to not think of her for one day.

                “You want to dance?” Brent asks, leaning into him, his lips brushing against Farkle’s ear.

                “Absolutely” he replies, grabbing the taller man’s hand and leading him to the dance floor. Immediately, Brent pulls his hips to Farkle’s, letting out a hiss of pleasure. His eyes have gone dark, almost as brown as Riley’s, and he’s seen that look, Farkle knows what Brent wants. He’s surprised, but then again, he’s doing the same thing that Brent is; forgetting. So he lets the blond boy use him and eventually grinding turns to touching and touching to kissing. He doesn’t know who made the first move, his head is heavy and the night is blurry, but he knows they made it back to their dorm in one piece. He’s in his own bed, but there are bruises on his neck from kissing and sucking and he knows Brent has done it.

                He pushes the boy off his chest and puts on the pants he wore the night before, shoving on a shirt that doesn’t smell like he hasn’t done his laundry in two weeks. Shoving on his shoes, he jogs towards the door and doesn’t look back, feeling sick to his stomach. All he knows is that he has to see Riley, figure things out with her so that he could move on. He couldn’t keep this back and forth tug of his heart, couldn’t pretend that everything was platonic between them. They weren’t just friends; they could never be just friends.

                A six-hour drive would be hell in New York City on a Saturday, but if he left now, he could probably be there around eleven. He knew by now that she was no longer the little girl that went to bed at ten o’clock. The drive took shorter that he expects and he ends up at her sorority house at nine o’clock, but then again, he had been speeding. Knocking on the thick, white door, he waits for the door to open, hoping to God that he wasn’t too late. Deep in thought, he was knocked out of his daydream by a pretty blond who smiled brightly, “Hi, can I help you?”

                “Is Riley in?” he asks, clearing his throat.

                “Uh, sure. Wait out here” she says, looking at him wearily. He didn’t blame her; he knew he looked terrible. Bedhead and clothes that are wrinkled from being on the floor for weeks, he knew he could have possibly smelled all that great either. This wasn’t the best way to admit the feelings to the love his life, but he couldn’t think straight, dead set on seeing his best friend. The door opens and his heart lurches when he sees her standing there, her hair in a messy bun on the top of her head, large sweater that Farkle knows is his, practically swallowing her.

                “Farkle?” she asks in confusion, “are you okay?”

                And he can’t think straight because the girl he’s been in love with for fifteen years is standing in front of him, looking at him with big brown eyes and a bright smile on her face. She’s beautiful and she deserves more than a smelly boy standing in front of her ruining their friendship with feelings.

                “I love you” he blurts out.

                She chuckles and pulls him in for a hug, “I know Farkle and I love you too.”

                He pulls away from her and stares in her eyes, “No Riley, I’m in love with you.”

                She freezes and the smile slips off her face, her dark brown eyes widening in disbelief, “What?”

                “Riley don’t pretend that you don’t know how I feel about you by now. I’ve made it so obviously clear by now” he sighs, taking a seat on the house’s porch.

                “Farkle, you don’t love me” she exhales, sitting next to him so close their shoulders are touching.

                “How could you say that? I’ve been in love with you since we were five years old, don’t tell me how I feel! If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be standing here pouring out my feelings for you.”

                “Farkle, remember when we were in the seventh grade and you told me that you would always feel the same for Maya and me? You swore up and down that you wouldn’t ever feel more than friendship for either of us, that you would always love us the same. What happened to that?”

                “It’s been fifteen years Riley. We’re not in seventh grade anymore” Farkle disagrees.

                Riley rests her head on Farkle’s shoulder and sighs, “Don’t you wish it was? When everything was easier for us. You were with Smackle and I was with-.”

                “Lucas.”

                “Yeah” she sighs, smiling despite the tears glistening in her eyes, “I guess you never really forget your first love, huh.”

                “Yeah” he whispers, although his heart is crushed in his chest. He had thought that maybe, for once in his life, he would get what he wanted, that Riley would feel the way he felt for her. It was almost as if the world was laughing at him, his cheeks flushing in embarrassment.

                “I’m sorry Farkle” she murmurs, tears falling on his coat. He kisses the top of her head before laying his head on top of hers.

                “A wise woman once told me that just because someone was your beginning, doesn’t mean that they’re your end. I’m not that person for you Farkle, even though I wish I was.  And one day, when you find them, they’re going to be amazing and kind and will treat your heart as if it were fragile. You deserve more than this, more than a girl who can’t make up her mind, who’s a mess half the time. You fall in love more than once” she says through her tears.

                “But I want you” he says, wrapping her fingers in his own. 

                 "I know" she replies, although she squeezes his hand in hers.

              

 

7.

 

                He’s a senior in college when he meets Greyson, fellow senior and business administration major who he happens to share his elective journalism class with. He’s incredibly smart and spunky and Farkle doesn’t want to like him, but he ends up doing it anyways. He still loves Riley, he doesn’t think he ever won’t, but she’s no longer in the forefront of his mind. It didn’t happen suddenly, it took baby steps, but it happened. One day he woke up and Riley was no longer the first thing he thought about, and then suddenly he stopped thinking about what she would think if he told her this or did that and then he went days without thinking about her or her brown eyes. They talked once a week, he needed his space, but now they talk every other day. She talks about graduating and Zay and Maya’s wedding plans and how she’s talking with Lucas again.

                He’ll never stop loving Riley, it’s almost impossible with the history they’ve shared over the years, but he’s 22 years old and figures it’s time to wrap everything between them up into a neat little bow and push it to the back of his mind. Riley was a dream, a girl who he loved immensely, who he shared many beautiful experiences with, but he has no regrets, no what ifs or maybes. He no longer dreams of dark hair and chocolate brown eyes or the scent of sweat and vanilla that was on her skin in their most vulnerable moments.

                He asks Greyson out in October when New York is at its most beautiful with its orange and red trees and the promise of cooling temperatures and much to his surprise, he accepts. He takes him to places he hasn’t seen in the city, melting in his bright blue eyes and swooning over his southern drawl. They hold hands while they walk down the street and Farkle kisses him at his apartment door as if they were in high school and Greyson makes him feel that way again, as if he were the same fifteen-year-old boy.

                He falls in love when snow falls from the sky, enveloping them in its freezing December blanket as people rush to get home or to the store before the roads get worse. People are rushing, but Greyson stops in his tracks and smiles, his cheeks flushed from the cold, before he opens his mouth, snowflakes melting on his tongue as he holds his arms out in awe. People are shoving and giving him dirty looks, but he pays no mind and Farkle realizes he’s smitten, absolutely in love with this crazy boy who helps him paint a better picture of New York City. It’s no longer dirty and overpopulated, but stunning and alluring, the New York that people from the outside picture when they think of success.

                This feeling, it’s different than what he felt for Riley, it’s not full of tension and potential heartache, but the sense of comfort, what’s been looking for in her, but never quite found. Farkle looks up at the sky and smiles too, extracting his tongue and capturing the snowflakes that rapidly disintegrate on his tongue, and when he looks back he’s greeted with a soft look from Greyson. And he knows, he just _knows,_ that he’s in love.

                He walks towards him and captures Greyson's lips with his own and it’s exhilarating, kissing him in the middle of the sidewalk in Manhattan. And when they pull away, their eyes connected, he’s no longer afraid of saying those three little words that many people agonize over, because he knows that Greyson feels the same way.

                “I love you too” he whispers, pulling him in for another soft kiss that knocks Farkle off his feet in a way he’s never been kissed before.

 

                The rest of the year is full of falling in love with Greyson all over again, nights over Ben & Jerry’s and Stranger Things or holding one another when they’re upset. Farkle takes Greyson home for Christmas, introduces him to his friends, to a happy Riley who hugs him and asks him if he’s eaten yet, knowing they went to his house before coming over to the Matthew’s. He’s reminded on why he fell in love with Riley in the first place, how incredibly kind she is to strangers, how she takes anyone in to their friend group, but it’s different this time, a love that can only be felt when time has passed, an appreciation of a person without being totally in love with them.

                “So that’s the famous Riley Matthew” Greyson smiles, but it holds no jealousy, no discomfort, “she’s just as you described Farkle, amazing.”

                “She is, isn’t she” he grins”, as he watches Riley blushing over a conversation with Lucas, “She has allure about her that makes just about anyone fall in love.”

                Greyson agrees and connects their eyes once Farkle looks back at him, “I love your friends, they’re so kind. Thank you for inviting me tonight.” And, once again, he falls in love with the auburn haired boy in front of him. Pulling Greyson in his arms, he kisses the top of his head and murmurs, “I love you.” And when he says it back, Farkle feels the happiest he’s ever been.

                New Years is just as amazing celebrating on top of Riley’s apartment’s rooftop, almost a flashback to the past, except Riley isn’t heartbroken and Maya is in the arms of Lucas’ best friend. Smackle is even present with her new boyfriend, a Harvard alumni two years her junior. This is the happiest he’s seen their group in years and Farkle couldn’t be any more grateful. And when the clock strikes midnight, Greyson plants a soft kiss on his lips and from the corner of his eye, Farkle can see Lucas doing the same to Riley, causing her to blush and wrap her tiny hands in his own. And for the first time, he’s happy that she’s found someone to make her happy, to love without being scared. They all knew it would be Lucas, that they had something absolutely beautiful, and maybe he was just too foolish to realize the cards were always in their favor, maybe he just didn’t want to believe it.

 

                They graduate in April, he and the rest of his friends, although it’s impossible to go to one another’s, but they send well wishes, excited to get back to the city for the summer. He and Greyson graduate hand in hand, throw their caps in the air for degrees and student debt. He throws a party and they all get a little too tipsy, taking a swim in his apartment’s heated pool. Music is flowing through his Bluetooth speakers, some vague rap song he’s heard in the top 40, and everyone is getting along. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting them to, it’s just that they all haven’t hung out like this in a while. Zay and Maya are making out in a darker corner of the pool and Riley is sitting in Lucas’ lap, deep in conversation, something that hasn’t seemed to change since they met in middle school. Even Smackle seems high off the energy, dancing with Greyson by the edge of the pool. It’s kind of weird to him, his ex-girlfriend and current boyfriend dancing together, but he doesn’t feel jealous, although he vaguely thinks that he should.

                But he’s happy that Smackle is becoming more comfortable with herself, learning to have fun, accepting herself for the beautiful human being she’s turning out to be. He suddenly feels nauseous and thinks that he should feel happy, there’s no reason why he should be feeling suffocated. He dives into the crisp water and lets himself float under for a couple seconds, relishing in the quiet beneath, away from loud rap music and his friends screaming at one another from across the pool. When he comes up for air, he sees Riley and Lucas kissing, his tongue in her mouth, and _he’s so fucking pissed._  Who was Lucas Friar to just pick and choose the moments he had with Riley? He wasn’t good enough for her, no one would ever be good enough for her, much less the boy who had to make a choice between her and her best friend. She should have never been an option; she should have been the ultimate person he wanted to be with. There should have never been decision.

                Before he knows it, he’s pulled himself up from the water, and made his way to the couple who are now apart and just looking into one another’s eyes. And like the idiot he is when he’s drunk, he just walks over and punches Lucas straight in the nose, relishing in the satisfaction he gets from a bleeding Lucas who’s asking him what that was for. His friends are yelling at him, but he turns his back on them and walks off, shoving Greyson off him. Greyson tells him to stop, Maya trying to pull him back, but he ignores them.

                He’ll feel guilty tomorrow, but it feels so fucking good for once to have the upper hand when it comes to Lucas Friar. Who would have thought turtle-neck, bowl cut Farkle Minkus would be the one to take out southern, bull-riding hero Lucas Friar, resident hunk, freak face. It feels good, great even, to be the one taking him out. He might’ve not gotten the girl, but he possibly broke Lucas’ nose and that feels good enough.

                He throws the doors of the pool open, ignoring his friend’s screams and shakes out his aching hand, now tainted with the blood from Lucas’s nose. He takes the elevator up to the penthouse floor and wipes the blood on his swimming trunks. At any other moment, Farkle would feel bad for what he’s done, striking one of his friends, but he feels good, great even, in his drunken stupor. He waits for the elevator to reach his floor, shoulders shaking from the cold of the harsh air conditioning. He should’ve brought a towel, he vaguely thinks. He finally reaches his room and slides his key in the door before walking towards the balcony that looms over.

                He sits in one of the plush chairs and looks at the skyline, admiring the beauty of New York City. And he’s fucked because everything reminds him of Riley Matthews, the girl just 14 floors below him. He can’t go anywhere without being reminded of Riley Matthews and her silky hair and her bright eyes and the way her body felt underneath his all those years ago. The girl who ripped his heart out, who was in love with Lucas Friar even though he didn’t deserve it. He’s just so pissed all the time, the tension thick in his shoulders, angry at himself for falling for the brunette over and over, even if he deserves better.

                “Mind if I sit?” a familiar voice asks from behind him and he sighs, because _Riley._

                “Yeah” he says, albeit a bit bitterly.

                “Was going to bring you a drink, but I think you’ve had enough” she states, although it isn’t a complaint as much as it is a statement.

                “Please refrain from criticizing me for one night Riley” he says bitterly.

                He knows its hurt her feelings from the momentary silence that envelopes them, but he ignores it, he’s tired of making everyone else feel better when he feels like shit.

                “I would never criticize you Farkle” she says after a while and he turns to look at her although it kills him when her eyes are thick with tears. “You wanna tell me what happened back there? Why you punched Lucas? What’s going on with you Farkle? I thought we were having a good time.”

                “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You are so self-centered that you never know what’s going on with anybody else. Lucas fucking broke your heart Riley and all you care about is getting him back. It’s pathetic” he spits out, although he knows he’s hurting her.

                “Farkle. I thought you and Greyson were great, I thought you were happy” she says, ignoring the bitter remark.

                He sighs, “What even is happiness anymore Riles?”

                She holds his large hand in her tiny one and squeezes, “I’m sorry for being a shit friend. You know I love you Farkle and I care about you so much.”

                The air gets quiet and Farkle resists the urge to kiss her like he did all those years ago. He’s so incredibly stupid, but he’s stupid for her and he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel this way about anyone else. He thought that what he had with Greyson could be better, comparable to Riley, but they have so much history. Loving her was like a second nature. She’s the one. She always has been.

                “Lucas went home” she says finally and Farkle looks at her, confusion enhancing his features.

                “Yeah?”

                “Yeah, we kind of broke up. I guess” she states and he almost gets whiplash from looking at her so quickly in shock.

                “God Riley, I’m sorry. It was my fault, wasn’t it? Here let me just go talk to him- straighten everything over” he replies, getting up from his chair.

                She grabs his wrist, holding him in place, “Farkle no- it had nothing to do with you.”

                Farkle sits back down as she explains, “It was a long time coming. He’s not the one and he never will be. All along I’ve had this vision of what I’ve wanted in my life, a nice husband, stability, excitement, lust I guess. And Lucas, he’s wonderful, but he doesn’t excite me, we’re boring, it got boring. I don’t want a life like that Farkle, I want fun and the kind of love that completely envelopes you until you forget where you end and the other person begins. And with Lucas, we didn’t have that. The only person I’ve felt that way about is,” she looks him in the eye, “you.”

                He’s speechless, never thought this would happen in his life. And he’s so in love, but so confused. “I told you I loved you and you- you said I wasn’t the one. I’m confused Riles.”

                “I was so stupid Farkle and I was scared to admit that maybe it was you all along. Lucas was safe, I knew all along that he wasn’t the one for me, but you. You were the one that scared me, that made me feel things I’ve never experienced before, so I pushed you away. I’m so good at pushing people away that I pushed you into the arms of someone else,” she loves through her tears, “I’m still stupid.”

                He wipes the tears from her cheek and shakes his head, “You’re the smartest woman I know.”

                “Except maybe for Smackle” she giggles through her tears.

                “Yeah, maybe, but when it comes to this,” he softly grabs her hand and points it to her heart, “you’re the best woman I know.”

                “Even though I made things incredibly complicated between us?”

                “We all get confused sometimes” he says gently.

                “I love you Farkle. I’m in love with you” she replies, her brown eyes melting like chocolate.

                “I know” he replies, easing her head on his shoulder.

                And as they look out at the New York City skyline, the tension and confusion seems to melt into something warmer, an atmosphere of love and admittance and excitement just below the surface. Tomorrow, he’ll break it off with Greyson, admit that he was more so in love with the idea of him, that the only person he’s ever been in love with is the very girl who he’s loved his whole life. Tomorrow, there will be tears and packing up David’s stuff to move out and apologizing to a hurt Lucas, but tonight. Tonight he’ll allow himself this one moment of pure, unaltered happiness with his head resting on top of silky brown hair. Tonight he’s in love with Riley and she’s in love with him and everything is okay. He kisses the top of her head and closes his eyes, willing the summer breeze to lull him to sleep.


End file.
